The other night I got thinking after reading a snip from a book and it was about putting your life on hold while trying to loose weight. I mean, it really got me thinking about my own life and what I have put on hold over the years, and I mean years! I would say around 2003 is when I really started to stress over my weight and such. I was about a size 18 after High School in 2001, then in about 2003 is when I reached a size 22... then in 2009 I got to a size 24/26 and for the years since then I've held firm at a size 26 or a 3x. Not till about 5 years ago though was when I stressed harder and started to try to do something about it. I kept putting everything on hold and would always say "When I get thin... I'll get my crafty tattoo done... I'll go whale watching... I'll visit Portland... or I'll start dressing better". It didn't dawn on me until the other night that I have put off nearly 5 years of my life just because of weight. It seems so stupid when I think more about it. Why should being fat have to have such a damper on my life and constrict me from wanting to be happy. I always said to myself that I don't want to grow old and have regrets, but if I continued down that path I would have many regrets of not doing anything in my life due to my weight. Doh, why didn't this dawn on me earlier?!

As silly as this sounds, I have always been the one to steer clear of beauty stores and hair salons. Why, you ask? I always felt uncomfortable in them with the hanging thought that only thinner women could go to these places, it's was their territory, not mine. When I think about this more, I realize that this is an area I need to work on. I still get nervous going into a salon or beauty store, but I'm starting to think more confident. This is such a silly goal, but I want to one day go into a store or salon with full confidence and know that it is no one's "territory". It's funny how society and the media has warped my own brain with this thought. Most of what you see on and in magazine's are thin, gorgeous women in makeup ad's and in the "tips & tricks" section. It's really sad and I hope that Z (my 4 year old daughter) can look past this and not let it effect her like it has me as she grows up. I try my best to teach her good and positive things in general. When she saw the cover of the book Hot & Heavy, the first thing that came out of her mouth was "Mommy, she's beautiful!".

I know I have a long, long, long journey ahead of me for self acceptance. But this is a challenge I want to take on, unlike weight loss. Self acceptance seems to have such a greater meaning than a number on a scale. When I move next month, I do not plan on bringing my scale with me. Also, I used to wear a ring that read YOU GOT THIS and it was meant for me as a reminder about my weight loss at the time. Today, I took that ring off and will not put it back on. I do not want to be reminded of that road I was aimlessly trying to go down for 5 years. Even if I change the meaning of the words, it still has the same meaning and I don't want to look at it. Instead, I plan on getting a new ring made that will read something else, but I haven't decided on what just yet. But I do know that it will read something awesome, something fierce, something that will empower me as a woman with all my fat and all my happiness.

Sorry to get so "deep" in this post, it was something that was on my mind for a couple days now and I just had to write it out for my own good. I promise to get crafty this week and have other fun posts!

What do you struggle with mostly?

Radical Self Worship
Yesterday I spent a little time spinning some yarn outside while Z played in the grass. I needed a moment to do something for myself and unwind, this was perfect!

What is Radical Self Worship? Click the heart on my right sidebar for more info!


  1. It is WAY too easy to put things off for when X happens. For me, it can be just about anything: when I get a new job, when the sun it out, when it's the weekend. Except of course I always end up not doing/allowing myself to do whatever the thing is when I could, instead finding some other reason to put it off until when. I also feel some of your feels about beauty places/things. I don't wear make-up, and I'm not super girly in other ways (comfort before fashion 100% of the time!) and I always feel like beauty things are for someone other than me. Even at my hair salon, which I adore (I found a wonderful stylist who totally gets my style and wavy hair), I often feel like there are a lot of people there judging me for not conforming to beauty standards (not my stylist, but others and customers). When I think about it, they've done nothing to make me think this - it's all in my own head! So I'm trying to let it go. It's a process!

  2. You should do "deep" more often! Yes I still read you :)
    You know, I think self acceptance is a crazy thing. I'm 32 years old, average sized, and I still struggle with major issues of self acceptance. People who know me best know that I don't value myself much and that I don't treat myself half as well as I treat others.
    In a way, and I don't know if this is going to come out right, I wish I knew for sure why I struggle with it. Life if I knew it's because I struggled with my weight and what it means in society, I could deal with that the way you are dealing with it and then I could see some light at the end of the tunnel.
    But honestly, I have no idea what it is. I have no idea when it really started. I have no idea how to accept it because I don't know what to accept. I don't know where to even begin so how do I even get started?
    I'm happy for you. I've liked your posts lately. You are smiling in your photos and writing freely and happily and it's GOOD.

  3. It's a journey--THE journey--that matters with self-acceptance, no? Because maybe you--and I--will never reach the destination. But that isn't an unhopeful thing, only an acceptance that it really is about the journey. If that makes any sense--

    And, lol, the first thing I did after reading Marilyn Wann was to buy some new clothes, book a trip to Portland, and go whale watching!

  4. It does sometimes take awhile to develop that self acceptance and that is okay. It took me a very long time and when I finally reached a certain age I said "whew, enough is enough!" And I let go!
    You are beautiful inside and outside, you will find your way, we all do eventually.

  5. Hell, I'm 22 and of average weight, and I've struggled with this all my life! Most of the time, I've struggled in secret, embarrassed because I felt like I was being superficial to even care about my appearance. My family isn't very into doing themselves up nice, and (although I'm not either) beauty and salons and all that always seemed like it was, like you said, for somebody else. Self-acceptance is so hard, but I already know I've made so much progress in my journey. And it really is a journey. Now I look at my sister in eighth grade, and know she must be going through her own hard journey...I wish I could teach her what I know, but it's really a different fight for everyone! And it takes time to realize that happiness is what matters - and the quickest way to achieve happiness isn't by putting it off until X happens... it's by deciding to be happy right now with what you have and who you are.

  6. Brilliant :) I have recently come to the same conclusion too! Why should we be unhappy just because we're FAT. I used to feel really self conscious in group situations, thinking "omg, what are they thinking about my huge thighs?! Is my top too tight?! My dress too short?!". I find myself doing this from time to time and make sure I stop it and think how awesome I look and what I'm giving to the group. I am Worthy.

    What a sweet thing for your little Z to say :)